On April 12th we received an e-mail blast about a potential situation. We read it, prayed about it, and excitedly sent our Profile Book to New York. Then we waited. Within three days we found out the answer, and if you’ve looked at a calendar it’s now May 15th and we do not have Lil’ Mac home.
So, what was different about this one than the others? I asked myself that a lot after we got the phone call telling us that we were not chosen. This one crushed us for a while. I heaved ugly cries and questioned God’s will. I had allowed myself to dream. To plan. We had let close people in for prayer support. We received great feedback that people just felt like this could be the one. Sam told his boss and co-workers. We both started making back-up plans for work in the event that we would head to New York that Monday. I had started going through all of our baby clothes, setting aside all of the girl newborn outfits for a to-go bag. We rushed our 1 year home study update. Ran to Waldorf for finger prints. We were fully preparing for this to be the one. We were in Shoppers when we got the call. Outside of the grocery store we received the news that no, not this one. This one was not who God planned to be Mac.
And now we’re about a month after that. It was by far the biggest roller coaster of emotions I have ever experienced. It felt like a loss, which I hadn’t expected any “no” to feel quite like that. Waiting to adopt is like that, being hit over the head with emotions and feelings that I never thought were possible to experience. And these emotions come out of the blue and take my breath away. They are great big ol’ sucker punches. When they happen, I learn a lot about myself and God. No one, not even my spouse, can help me during those gut wrenching times. Only God’s grace can provide the comfort that I’m yearning for. I am so thankful for Him and His provision.
So here I am, writing a post that I didn’t even know I had in me. I left last time saying that I would update weekly, but I just didn’t know how to put into words how things have been going. And just less then an hour ago we learned about a potential situation with twins. Yup, you read that right. Twins. I’m having a hard time figuring how far to let myself dream. I mean, twins are and always have been a dream of mine to mother. So right off the bat it’s difficult to not go too far into planning/dreaming mode. The last one is leaving me apprehensive.
So, instead of just keeping it between us and a few people I’m opening up to anyone who will read this: this Thursday (May 18th, our 4 year Anniversary!) an Expectant Mother, our family and other families will will need some extra prayers. The thing about waiting to hear an answer is that it doesn’t include just us. In a single decision an expectant mother’s heart will ache and worry (or maybe be put at peace. I don’t know), a family’s dreams will be made true and a handful of other families will go through that sucker punch of being told “no” again. And wrapped into all of that are two lives, currently being knit together by God, and their lives will begin unfolding into God’s plans. That’s an awful lot of lives impacted by a single decision. Prayer is needed for them all.
A friend just texted me the perfect thing, “Hope the days pass by quick, and that she picks the best parents possible for the twins! And especially hoping that it’s ya’ll!”
I would take on these emotions, these pains, a thousand times until we find out a situation is the right one. The one that God has had planned all of this time. The child(ren) that God has specifically planned for us to love and nurture. Granted, I sure hope it doesn’t take that long, but you get my point. I just I cannot wait to meet him/her.