Post Thirty-nine: Late Night Feelings.

Tonight I’m feeling the deepest feeling of longing that I’ve felt yet. For Mac to be home and for the moment when we’ll first hold him/her. More so than I have ever felt before.

And, I don’t know what that means. Maybe Mac’s birth mother looked at our book today and is thinking about us. Maybe she will look at it tomorrow. Maybe one of these could actually be the right situation and we could get the call.

Or, maybe it won’t be. It’s taken me over a year to feel okay sharing moments like this. I say it’s because we’ve been busy, which we have been, but it’s also just a really tough thing to share about.

Especially when I take a step back and realize that this is so much bigger than just us and the roller coaster emotions that go with the Wait. There’s so many lives involved and I don’t feel the right to feel so heavily for them all. I guess I feel that my feelings are insignificant. Maybe that’s just the stupid devil whispering that. Candidly, that is why I haven’t been blogging or even sharing much with family and friends.

All that I can do is pray. Right now Sam is playing guitar and singing Wake Up by All Sons and Daughters. The verse “Not our will, but yours be done Lord” hits close to my heart. As I’m starting to open up more, all that ultimately matters is that the Lords will is done. I’m so thankful for that and the peace that knowledge brings.

A reminder that I have to tell myself frequently is that God’s got this and that Mac is in the palm of His hands and that’s a pretty special place to be. Isiah 49:16

In the meantime, while I wait to be able to hold him/her in my own hands, I snuggle with Macs baby blanket often so he/she can have a piece of home while in Interim care for those first 30 days.

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Mrs.Hess, out.

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