Post Forty-Three: His Grace and love.

Wow, it sure has been a long time. I really need to start getting in the habit of writing a post after things have happened. Other wise I feel overwhelmed to include everything and then put it off. As always, this post will be jumping around a lot.

Life has been busy. At times it’s a welcomed busy, and at others it’s not. When the business stops for a second my heart aches. I’ve been learning how to lean on God in a new way that’s difficult to explain, but I don’t think I would have ever learned if we weren’t waiting to Adopt.

Last Christmas Sam’s family came to visit. It was such a lovely Christmas, one for the books. During that time we decorated onesies and bibs. We talked about how we imagine the chain of events to go after get the call. When would we want them to come? What events are the big-can’t-miss-moments? How long of a bonding time with just Sam and I will we want to have? By next Christmas you’ll be visiting to see us and Mac.

I’ve been crying quite a bit these past couple of weeks, just longing so so badly to have Mac sleeping in their room for Christmas. This time of the year snuck up quickly, and those dreams of having our Little Mac home by this time the next year have hit me hard.

Then there’s times when I think that someday we’ll have 3 kids and this period of waiting will be a fuzzy memory. Time will move so quickly, cherish these times when it’s just you and Sam. Growing families are bustling around us, moving so so quickly, friends children, who I swore I just met for the first time, are now turning 3. And it can be so so easy to get stuck in the cycle of thinking, well when will it our turn?

Enters God, his grace and love so so big.  A while ago we studied Spiritual Gifts in the small group we attend, where I learned that God gifted me with the gift of discernment. I am very thankful for that. It allows me to step back from the bustle in my head and focus on the peace that only He can provide. To see those little nuggets of God’s hand in the day-to-day, and sit to appreciate them. Now I can understand why that has always been normal for me to do, and how to appreciate it even more. Though there are times when I choose to sulk, and those times are never pretty. Waiting for our child to be born into our lives, with no timeline in sight, can become very overwhelming when I loose sight of needing to trust in His timing.

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On our living room wall there’s a canvas with Ecclesiastes 3:11, “He makes everything beautiful in His time.” It’s surrounded by photos of our love/life story as a couple. From the very first photo taken of us as boyfriend and girlfriend, to our wedding and adoption announcement photos. It serves as a daily reminder of how much God has seen us through. I can’t imagine meeting anyone more perfect to live life with than Sam. I have no doubt that God had planned for us to be husband and wife. I can only begin to imagine the child that God has planned to be our first.

I can’t wait to learn all about him/her, even if that equates to sleepless nights that turn into an ah-ha moment as their personality begins to shine through. I see some of those moments now in the sweet girl that I’ve been an nanny to since she was 3 months old.  How special this time has been.

These thoughts have been stirring in me for months now, unable to turn them into words. I’m about to change topics to something really really wonderful. We’ve been celebrating this for quite some time now, and I apologize for taking so long at sharing this news.

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A letter arrived a week after I wrote the last post that updated about our Adoption Fund needs. I had reached into our mailbox that day and found an envelope that looked to be real snail mail, so I excitedly bounced back inside to open it. I only made it into the entryway when I ripped it open to find a check that covered the remaining amount that we needed to raise. Sam was next to me, and I did my very best to read the letter that came with it out loud.

To tell you the truth, after my last couple of updates I started to loose faith that we would ever have a child. Has every maybe been a cold no because Adoption was our plan, but not Gods? Were we ever meant to have children? I was becoming angry and bitter at God for taking the one thing I’ve always dreamed of having away from us. Then this beautiful letter arrived. The sender has asked to stay anonymous, which I want to respect. I know that he/she is reading this right now and I just want to say: thank you for listening to God’s nudge telling you to go home immediately and write that letter. I’m currently crying, and continue to, every time that I read it. God’s promise and love pours out of every word.

The letter filled both Sam and I with an unshakable truth that God plans for us to bring Mac home someday. That He wouldn’t move someone to go home and write such a powerful letter, and give so generously, without His plan at work. On especially tough days I go into Macs room, sit on the rocking chair and read that letter. A huge nugget of God’s touch in our lives, in our Adoption story, still being written.

And then there’s the celebration of our Adoption being fully funded. I”m just left speechless at the enormity of that. Thankfulness. An overwhelming amount to each and every person who helped us along the way. You are all a letter in the story that God is unfolding in front of us. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

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As this Christmastime is especially tough, we are able to find thankfulness in knowing that God will deliver us through this waiting period. All that I need to do is stand firm in Him and spend a moment of quiet- a good quiet- in the business around us. I absolutely wish that Mac would be home this Christmas, but I’m starting to stop putting random timelines of, “We’ll get the call by Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines day, etc” and just truly trust in God’s timing.

Blessings this season,

Mrs. Hess, out.